2003-10-02 • horrors under glass
huge, hairy and horrifying
I'm suppose to be all occupied with sweetly spotted giraffes and suavely striped tigers and such, but I've just performed the most heroic feat EVAH and I think I ought to be enthusiastically congratulated.
First, let's be clear: I do not like spiders
. No sir. I do not like spiders AT ALL. I especially do not like creepy, furry, scurrying spiders that appear to have super natural intelligence and FANGS. I, in fact, HATE spiders. But not, you know, enough to crush one into oblivion.
So I was in quite the quandry this afternoon when I moved the garbage can in the kitchen to empty it and discovered this beast busily mapping out the location of all the kitchen goodies and various snackrels the wolf has failed to vacumn up in her random sweeps of the kitchen floor. What to do? The household spider wrangler was at work, far away, and not immediately available to corral the furious archanid.
But obviously something had to be done. I tiptoed to the cupboard and got a glass and with my heart pounding in my throat, I crouched down next to that beastly thing, trying to avoid its blood-thirsty stare and the way it kind of pulsed
as I approached, preparing to leap at my jugular. I slammed the glass down over it with a thump that made the wolf come bounding over to investigate. I thought, okay, I'll just leave it until Jack gets home to take it outside. But then I started thinking... what if it squeezed under the lip of the glass? Can they do that? This looked to me to be a particularly gifted spider. I'm convinced it's an escapee from the laboratory of some mad scientist who blasted it with freaky gamma rays and such, embuing the ghastly thing with Hulk like strength, the ability to press itself paper thin and squeak under overturned glasses, and quite possibly the ability to fly.
So after a quick consultation with the wolf, it was agreed that the menace must be vanquished from the house immediately. We thought about having it deported to some far away country, like Brazil or Morocco, but then decided that would involve too much governement red tape. Plus, the thing had started to collect a small heap of dog hair and was furiously knitting some horrific weapon of mass destruction and thus needed disposing of QUICKLY. But not, of course, before I took some photographic evidence thereby ensuring that the police would have a good description of the beast should Finn and I be slaughtered this afternoon.
So I painstakingly slipped six pieces of paper under the glass trapping the spider inside and raced out to the backyard where I was prepared to hurl it over the fence into the neighbour's yard. But the damn thing started crawling up the glass, baring its fangs and flashing its demon eyes at me and I freaked and dropped the glass in the middle of the yard. Then I hauled ass back into the house, the wolf on my heels, and slammed the door. It's still out there. Pulsing inside the glass. Plotting revenge, I'm sure. If you don't hear from me again soon, perhaps someone should alert the authorities. Eeek.
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