katie d - 2005-06-09 19:44:04
wow. now i feel like a non-artist, because i usually have the television on and am thinking about all the stuff i need to do when i'm finished and whether or not that color goes with this one and (if i'm making jewelry) how much i don't particularly like wire wrapping. (if i'm doing a watercolor, that last thought is more how much i don't like that my hands shake.) but instead of telling you how talented you are, i will just say i really like your artwork. coz i do. :) kd

Detlef - 2005-06-09 22:53:32
Every artist has self doubt, I'd worry more if I didn't have it. I think all that internalising is a necessary evil within the creative process....and you're work is wicked.

lizardek - 2005-06-10 03:19:51
Oh, how I relate to that part of your childhood where your talent was dismissed because it came naturally to you. I sometimes wonder if that's why I didn't go further with art as a career after 3 years as an art major in college. It's sad the blinders we hang on ourselves. Some of your little rules seem like they are perfectly legit, though, and ways that you force yourself to find creative solutions in a way that doesn't feel like "cheating" to you, but it sounds like you need to squash the voice in your head occasionally when it gets out of hand :) Great post!! :)

bluepoppy - 2005-06-10 08:57:01
so very VERY impressive and yes, I still want to run away with you! I think you are utterly perfect in every way (except for that self-doubt stuff--- gotta jettison that) Cause you AMAZE me!!!!

beth maher - 2005-06-10 10:34:59
Yes to everything you said, and yes to lizardek too (why else would I be looking at art schools now, at 23, but because of discouragement in high school and a long while off track in university). I was thinking about this earlier because I bought some new art supplies. Gouache to be specific. Which my art teacher in grade seven disparaged ("using black and white is not water colour, it's gouache" - as if that were something to be avoided). But I spilled some paint on the page and played around with the bright process colours (another no-no - not the traditional palette of warm and cool tones of red-blue-yellow) and I love them so much. It felt like I should have been using those bright, pure tones along. So maybe someday you should break all your rules on purpose - and then see what happens.

karos - 2005-06-10 12:30:48
I think you just described in some familiar fashion what happens to so many people whose talents are viewed as anomalies. I mean, people who are talented in plumbing and heating or gifted with a sterling phone manner don't get this sort of thing. For some reason, it's the "creative" ones that do. It is indeed grating to carry the backwhisper of accusation along with your talent, like so much dirty luggage. I get that, too. On the odd occasion I get caught in online squabbles, so often what happens is "I'm so sorry that I can't express myself and what I mean, since I'm not a writer like youuuu. Insert tongue raspberries and flurries of middle fingers from these people. Just because I write doesn't mean I'm not plagued with second guessing and seemingly inane rules and a sense of guilt about what I do, and a pervasive sense that I haven't found it yet when it comes to my ultimate creative niche. I also end up wracked with shame when the verbiage that taps itself out of my mind and fingers is less than stellar. I mean, I can have an off day, right? An off year, an off life, even? I ought not to be judged by every word I type, just as you ought not be judged on every mark you make. Creative people are psychotic, really. You said: freely admit that I am regularly riddled with self doubt and sometimes I feel like such an incredible fraud and such a hack. Nod. I {v} the way you express yourself. Visually and verbally. And I so owe you a goddamn e-mail. I know it. Yet another block for me -- doling out responses because I want people to appreciate them. Completely off-topic - I dreamed you were Paris Hilton's personal shopper the other night.

violetismycolor - 2005-06-10 21:45:19
I think that most of us doubt ourselves and our abilities all the time. Chin up, girl, you are incredibly talented. Use what the Universe gave you and you'll be fine!

megs - 2005-06-11 16:28:20
Man, do I identify with this post. I can't tell you how often it makes me blush to hear "you're so good!" or "you're so talented!" When people compliment, they only see the end result, they never see all the tricks of the trade that deliver them at the end result. And I too feel like a hack if I've used photo reference, that's not my own, to create an image. I've been trying to draw more like I did when I was a child, to let my imagination take over, rather than noodling over every minute detail. It's hard to allow people to take you seriously, when you're an artist, sometimes. It's different than being good at math or science, because you go to a different place when you create art... you don't usually use logic.

jenn - 2005-06-13 15:39:51
I know this feeling all too well and all too often sacrificed a personal part of myself to appease people around me. I never felt validated in my intelligence--I still find myself at times hand-feeding people the comments they need to knock me down a peg so as to make THEM feel better. Complete and utter social dysfunction....completely the norm as my family were "devotional modests"-- after that realization, i finished my hyperbolic reaction taking nutt'in from NO ONE. this isn't really growth if you can't stomach feedback. So. quasi-balanced end product: well, not always, completely comfortable giving people what they want, but realizing that in art, the communication is so important...not to give people what they want, but try and discover something in the creative process that will give them a path leading them to realize...something. your discomfort is understandable...the concern for imbued sincerity is important and creates that occassional self-doubt, but i think it comes and goes like cresting waves and is sometimes a necessary discomfort (as all things intuitive seem to bring!) --i can't wait to see what you come up with on the other side of the wave! (more than i intended to babble as a new commenter. cheers--)

jenn - 2005-06-13 15:40:12
I know this feeling all too well and all too often sacrificed a personal part of myself to appease people around me. I never felt validated in my intelligence--I still find myself at times hand-feeding people the comments they need to knock me down a peg so as to make THEM feel better. Complete and utter social dysfunction....completely the norm as my family were "devotional modests"-- after that realization, i finished my hyperbolic reaction taking nutt'in from NO ONE. this isn't really growth if you can't stomach feedback. So. quasi-balanced end product: well, not always, completely comfortable giving people what they want, but realizing that in art, the communication is so important...not to give people what they want, but try and discover something in the creative process that will give them a path leading them to realize...something. your discomfort is understandable...the concern for imbued sincerity is important and creates that occasional self-doubt, but i think it comes and goes like cresting waves and is sometimes a necessary discomfort (as all things intuitive seem to bring!) --i can't wait to see what you come up with on the other side of the wave! (more than i intended to babble as a new commenter. cheers--)

Kate - 2005-06-13 16:14:53
Word up, girlfriend. I am not allowed to use white paint when I do watercolors, nor am I allowed to use those wonderfully useful watercolor pencils, else I am not a "purist" and who likes a non-purist watercolorist? I mean really.

paula - 2005-06-14 16:25:23
Oh, man...Aren't we a angst-ridden bunch! I appreciate the candid exposure of your artsy-issues. It gives us all a chance to see ourselves in the mirror with you. The feedback is as much to ourselves as to whoever's sharing their issues.

Feisty - 2005-06-15 14:11:44
The rules! Oh my, the rules! I don't think anyone ever put it so perfectly. I have never vocalized or admitted to my rules, but I have a million. This post helped me realize I may have to re-evaluate that.... Thanks!

lizardek - 2005-06-16 14:48:37
O woe is me, I miss my wee She hasn't wrote in ages! I hope that she, my little wee, Will start to fill her pages With ghosty posts and artful bits and things she is a-dreaming And if she writes it soon, my wee, then I will be a-beaming!

wendy - 2005-06-17 07:48:50
Words are powerful things. They are very powerful when the are just in our head. We have to be careful of what we let that mean voice say, and try to change it. Even when it may seem super hard. Everytime someone says you are talented agree, (because you are!!) and overtime it will get easier. Eventually you can have the othe driver when you are out in space, it is important to feel safe out there in your head. I think your work is fabulous (and wicked!)!!

katie d - 2005-06-28 20:14:14
I forgot to say that acting is really easy for me, and the same for my fiction writing, and sometimes it feels like it has no merit. I get really embarrassed when people praise it, because it was something I just tossed off, which is weird, because I'm also proud of it when I know it was really good (better than my average), but I feel like I do not deserve the praise, because it wasn't hard work. I'm glad everyone jumped in and told their stories here. kd

add your comment:

back to the entry - Diaryland