2005-04-06 The Fur Flies

...and clogs my brain

O Internet! I've just discovered something that to me is like more revolutionary than the microwave oven! Better than Pop Tarts! More life changing than Crest Whitening Strips, Botox and the South Beach Diet! combined, even! O! O! O! And I can't wait to share it with you! Are you ready? Are you sure? Are you located somewhere secure so that when you swoon to the floor with the sheer genius of my discovery you don't smack your head on anything sharp and pointy and trauma inducing?!!

It is... wait for it... Photoshop CS Brush Tool Ornament 31! Yes! Yes! Photoshop CS Brush Tool Ornament 31! Totally life-changing! I mean, I hit on it this morning almost by accident (okay, entirely by accident) and little birds appeared and chirped their fool heads off and the clouds and the seas parted and sunbeams shone down all God-like and I might even have heard the trumpets of angels and stuff too!

"Eureka," I shrieked at the top of my lungs, startling the Wolf who was busy shedding enormous clumpy clouds of black fur across my carpets. "Eureka!!!" And then I flung myself upon my Mac and wept with the joy of it all.

Okay, I know you're all like, "Whaa-a-aa? Are you like... um... you know... high?!!"

I know, I know. You're sitting there thinking, "Okay, haven't heard from her in like eons and stuff and all of a sudden there she is using up all sorts of useful pixels on my screen with some freak-girl nonsense about Photoshop Brush Ornament 31?!!" and you're all annoyed and thinking about possibly removing me from your bookmarks, but you know what?! You know what?!!! I DON'T CARE! Nope! Not one bit!

Because when you use Photoshop CS Brush Tool Ornament 31?! And you also turn on shape dynamics and wet edges? You create the most wicked tiger cub fur! YES! And it's amazing, amazing, amazing and now I don't have to sit here for nine years painting. Each. Freaking. Fuzzy. Tiger. Hair. Individually.

Do you get that? Do you get how amazing this discovery freaking is?!!! No? O, come on! This is like totally going to save me from carpal tunnel syndrome. And blindness. And insanity. (Um... I heard that. I heard you snicker, "cha-yeah...too late Wee Wigginoutcompletely ". I totally did. And I resent it. )

sigh. There are perhaps some delights that are best not shared.

so. hmmm. In other news.... I think that possibly-maybe-maybe-hopefully-and-not-to-jinx-it-or-anything (and also pleasepleasepleasepurtypurtyplease) that Spring is um... springing! in these here parts. Really! I have tulip tips poking up in my garden and there are buds on the trees and for two days straight it has been warm and sunny and I've actually been able to crank open the windows without fear of immediate frostbite. It's true! Plus, there's the shedding. The Wolf's shedding, that is. The wolf's Serious and Copious shedding.

My dog is the absolute Queen of the Copious Shed. She could shed for England. And many other countries besides. Simultaneously. And effortlessly. It's kinda staggering, really. She is a Shedder of Staggering Productivity. Truly. I mean, she can shed shedloads round the clock, for days on end and yet she still look perfectly furry. Furry like she's been generously stroked with Photoshop CS Brush Tool Ornament 31.

But you know what I don't get? I don't get how she can be so smart and so remarkably adept at the shedding and yet still be terrified of the vacumn cleaner. I mean, surely she's sussed out the cause and effect thing going on here, right? Surely, by now, after five years of this, she recognizes that the appearance of the vacumn cleaner is linked directly to her shedding activity. Surely. 'Cuz she's smart like that, you know? I mean, i know you think your dog is smart and all, but I've got to tell you, smart though your dog may be, mine is smarter still. Take for example the way she learns stupid pet tricks. We don't even have to teach her... we just think them really loud at her and then speak the command and instantly, she performs. Seriously. No, really! Okay, well... practically. I may be exaggerating slightly (I know, I know. how very uncharacteristic of me!) but only slightly.

But though I've explained it to her time and again in very patient tones, in various dialects including International Idiot and Bi-coastal Moron, she still hasn't made the connection between her shedding and the likelihood that the vacumn cleaner is going to make yet another loud and worrisome tour of her immediate environment, ruthlessly sucking up precious black clouds of furry Finny essence. (I don't think that very last bit really makes any sense, but you know... roll with it.)

You would think by now that she would have figured out that she could drastically reduced these terrifying (to her) appearances if she would just devise away to keep her spring (and fall) sheds to a bare minimum and not give way to these ecstatic and extravagant seasonal displays. But alas... no. I live in hope, though. I live in hope.


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