2005-01-05 � Vile Air

Flying is FUN!

I just woke up from a long winter's nap and there is drool pooled in my ear and I'm extra very grumpy and this cold/flu/virus/plague thing that hit me eight days ago CAN GO HOME NOW please and thank you because I'm so very very tired of it. so tired.

I mean, there I was. On the plane. Drinking a three dollar apple juice, trying to read my Newsweek and ignore Jack and his flailing elbows, whinging endlessly about how little freakin' leg space he has and "what what do they think? That I'm some kind of freakin' contortionist and what? what? what did they say?! we have to de-ice? We haven't been de-iced yet?!! we've been sitting here on this runway for an hour now and we haven't even been de-iced yet? Oy! We are so not going to make it back in time to get the dog out...blahdeblahdeblah " when there is a sudden burst of static and my internal P.A. system crackles to life and this creature with the voice of a fog-horn barks in my ear...

"Good Afternoon and welcome to VileAir, Flight of the Damned and Damaged. My name is Corona McVirus here with my awfully unpleasant assistants, Greenie O'Flu and Hugo Tobias Phlemington and we will be plaguing you for the rest of your natural life. Today, we will be experimenting with the viscosity of your various bodily fluids and Greenie will get out his Martha Stewart colouring kit and be injecting your massive luggies and spittings with a variety of entertaining colours which will range from livid yellow to dead slug green... Don't bother searching your carry-on for tissue. You haven't got any. LOSER!... Then we will be proceeding to your ear canals to spray them with some sort of evil solution which will burn and itch and prevent you from hearing ANYTHING but your own internal cries of misery for the next four days.

All three of us will then march deteminedly toward your respiratory system, stomping painfully in our turf-tearing football cleats (the ones with the extra very long and spiky cleats) whilst ripping huge bloody chunks from your esophogas and hurling them into your lungs where they will fester and multiple causing spasmodic, rib-cracking, muscle straining coughing fits which will last for hours on end, thus depriving you of all oxygen necessary to keep your brain operating at anything above zombie level. This coughing will persist no matter what medications you enhale and will wake you violently and regularly, preventing you from sleeping for more than two hours in a row. Ever. In. Your. Lifetime.

This flight will include a complimentary bar service, but don't even think about trying anything, because we will ensure that you are so bloated with snot and misery that everything will taste like toilet tissue dampened with sewage and possess not one iota of nutritional or comfort value. So buckle up, baby. It's going to be a long ride. On behalf of myself and the rest of the crew, we'd like to thank you for choosing VileAir and wish you the most draining week possible."

And then Corona McVirus repeated it all again. In French. Whilst beating me with the emergency evacuation instruction thingie.

Damn. Why o why didn't i get my flu shot this year? It was available. And FREE. Damn.

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