Open Letters

Dear All of You Who Are Coming Here Looking For The Just For Me Painting....

I'm telling you up front, now.... Put on your frowny faces. There is no painting to see today as:

(1) The Just For Me painting is not done yet and...

(2) My once rechargeable camera batteries have been recharged right off this mortal coil and are dead, dead, dead and you must now wait until I actually remember to go buy new ones which could be a very, very long time as the brain cells? The ones I use to think with? And remember stuff with? Like fabric softener and toothpaste, and oh, yeah... camera batteries? The ones I sometimes kill in a very nihlistic fashion with wine from bottles of uncertain vintage but very pretty labels? Well, somewhere along the line, they pretty much shuffled off with the rechargable batteries and now the braincells and the batteries all live with Jesus. Or Satan. Or possibly Santa. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure who they live with. It's all so very unclear to me. They never write, they never call...

(3) And you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the point of the Just For Me Painting that it was Just For Me and only very incidentally for you? Wasn't it? No? NO?!! oh. Okay. You're right. Of course. hmmm. Yeah... my bad. Smoochies.

Dear Guy Who Is Suppose To Be Sending Me A Barcode....

Where is my barcode? Please send me the barcode. Don't you know I'm sitting here feeling like a big idiot waiting for you to send me the barcode so I can smack it on the back cover of The Book That I've Been Illustrating Since Time Began and Dinosaurs Roamed The Earth so that i can really and truly be done, done, done?!! Don't you know that I thought I was all done, done, done like over a week ago and don't you know how painful it is to wake up on a Tuesday morning and find out that NO! You are still NOT DONE, done, done The Book That You've Been Illustrating Since Time Began and Dinosaurs Roamed The Earth because that book? That BOOK?!! needs a barcode on it. And you, you there Guy Who Is Suppose To Be Sending Me A Barcode... you apparently have them all. You apparently hold the key to the completion of The Book That I've Been Illustrating Since Time Began and Dinosaurs Roamed The Earth. And you're holding out on me. What gives? Why are you holding out on me? Don't you like me? You really should stop not liking me. because I'm likeable. I am. Really. And also... I will pay you. I will pay you plastic money on a credit card to send me that damn barcode so that I may finally be done The Book That I've Been Illustrating Since Time Began and Dinosaurs Roamed The Earth. Please, please please send me the barcode. Please? Because I don't know what the hold up is. Are you like inking it by hand or something? Do you have to defrost it or something first? Can't you just stick it in the microwave?

Please, Barcode Man... I'm begging you. And All the Peoples That Are Coming Here Looking For The Just For Me Painting are begging you too. Look at them, all sad with their little frowny faces on. Look at them and send me the damn barcode all ready. Please.

Thank you.

Sincerely, Me
xoxoxox

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