2002-10-10 • stuffed to the gills

Celebrate a Wee Canadian Thanksgiving With Me

My parents arrive tomorrow morning, so although it's a little early, I'm going to post my Canadian Thanksgiving greetings to you all now. Wee wish you all champagne kisses and Big Turkey Fun, whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend, in November, or not at all.

The whole Canadian vs. American Thanksgiving thang got me to thinking, perhaps all you non-Canadians should celebrate the weekend by thinking about all the reasons you should be thankful to Canadians.

For example, just where would you be without butter substitute? Frozen fish? Green garbage bags? Yes, that's right. All invented by Canadians.

Other fabulous inventions from the Great White North include (but, of course, are by no means limited to) the following: rollerskates, walkie-talkies, basketball, lacrosse, the dental mirror, anti-gravity suit, ear piercer. five pin bowling, Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit, the washing machine, electric wheelchair, instant potato flakes, IMAX, the snowmobile (well, duh!), gingerale, the goalie mask, the telephone (yes, folks Alexander Graham Bell was Canadian. who knew?), the foghorn and one of my all-time favourites, Alex Trebek.

Other Canadians to be grateful for (some more than others):

William Shatner, Pamela Andersen, Jim Carrey, Gilda Radner, John Candy, Lorne Michaels, Scott Speedman (Ben from Felicity, O yes and yum. We should be very very grateful for him!), Martin Short, Gil Bellows (Ally McBeal), Kiefer Sutherland, Donald Sutherland, The Kids in the Hall, Eugene Levy, Eric McCormick (Will on Will & Grace), Michael J. Fox, Jason Priestly, that chick that was once on Beverly Hills 90210 but is now on that other Aaron Spelling show with the three babelicious lawyer chickies, Mike Meyers, Lorne Greene (Bonanza), Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Dan Ackroyd, Kim Catrall (Sex and the City, folks!), Dave Foley, Tommy Chong (Cheech and Chong), Neve Cambell (Party of Five), Joshua Jackson (Dawson's Creek), Sarah Polley, Atom Agoyan, David Crohenburg, Jill Hennesy (Crossing Jordan, Law & Order), Leslie Nielsen, Norm Macdonald, Wayne Gretzky, Mario LeMieux, practically every other hockey player you could ever name and Goldie Hawn's son who is not actually Canadian, but who is now a Canadian resident along with the rest of the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell clan apparently, Catherine O'Hara, Matthew Perry (Friends), Meg Tilly, Jennifer Tilly, supermodel Linda Evangelista and last, but certainly not least, Keanu Reeves.

Plus: Alanis Morrisette, Shania Twain, The Bare Naked Ladies, Leonard Cohen, Bryan Adams, Jann Arden, Stompin' Tom Conners, Rush, The Guess Who, Rufus Wainwright, Bachman Turner OverDrive (BTO), Sarah McLachlan, Gordon Lightfoot and Nickelback.

Not to Mention: Arthur Kent (the Scud Stud), Peter Jennings, Brian Williams

And of course: Alice Munro, Margret Atwood, Douglas Copeland, Mordechai Richler, Todd McFarlane (Spawn), Lucy Maude Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables),

Canadians you have no need whatsoever to feel grateful for: Celine Dion, Paul Schaffer, Rich Little, Anne Murray, Alan Thicke

Now, if you're sitting back all smug thinking "Yeah, I knew that" then it's possible you're too Canadian. This is a frightening condition that can cause sudden cravings for Cherry Blossoms, longings for Mr.Dress-up (The original episodes with Casey and Finnegan), and the desire to impose mock-patriotic diary entries like this one on your unsuspecting readership.

The Tell-tale Signs that You're Too Canadian (courtesy of someone frankly much more Canadian than I):

1. You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

3. You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

4. You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

5. You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

6. You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

7. You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

8. You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

9. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

10. You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

11. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

12. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

13. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", and "Kanata".

14. You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean!!

15. You advocate the abolition of responsible government, in favour of monarchist rule.

16. You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.

17. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

18. You participate in Participaction!

19. You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

20. You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

21. You think Peter Kent is sexy.

22. You think Brad Pitt is so-so.

23. You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

24. You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

25. You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.

26. Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.

27. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.

28. You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

29. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

30. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

31. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

32. You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

33. You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

34. You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough.

35. You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

36. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

37. You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

38. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

39. You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

40. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

41. You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

42. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

43. You think -10 C is mild weather.

44. You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

45. You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

46. You know the ingredients for poutine.

47. You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".

48. You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

49. You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

50. You substitute beer for water when cooking.

51. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

52. You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

53. You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.

54. You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

55. You read rather than scanned this list.

If you'd like to join the legion for Canadian World Domination, click here

See you next week sometime when I return with an all new mission and a new appreciation of the parental units.

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